New Line Therapy Presents...
by GreenEyesAndPointyEars
Summary: What happens when the LOTR people enter "The Therapy Zone"? Well you'll have to r/r to find out! Ch 2 up!
1. Session 1~ The Black Rider

No animals were harmed during the making of this fan fic. 

Disclaimer: The authors do not own any of the characters of The Lord of the Rings or any of its affiliates. The idea for this story is 100% original, so there! Ha! 

One day one of the Nine walked into a support center called "Addictions 'R Us." He strolled into up to the rooms labeled "Addictions to Miscellaneous Objects/Trinkets." This just happened to be across the room from the Anger Management class, which Sauron was attending. 

He opened the door and strode into the room. There was a very curious array of peoples in there. There was a short little funny guy with big pointy ears and hairy feet accompanied by another, stouter, shorter little funny guy with big pointy ears and hairy feet as well as a short stocky man a little taller than the other two. The latter was carrying an ax. And then there was a tall dude dressed in green and grey. He had pointy ears as well (and some people, such as one of the financial backers of this story and many others would say that this dude was extremely dashing and attractive). Looking around some more he noticed a filthy human (who in the Wraith's opinion looked kinda manly and handsome with that stubble). To the left of this human he saw another human with arrows stickin out of 'im. Behind one of the chairs he spotted a slimy head with wispy hair and light bulb eyes that could give you nightmares for weeks. (And has) 

So the Nazgul sat down and said, "Hello. My name is Ed. I am addicted to the One Ring." "Hiii Ed," They all chorused. All of a sudden Ed started bawling, "I can't take it anymore!! Stupid Sauron and his Stupid Ring of Power and his stupid quest to take over the world!! It's just like in Pinky and The Brain!! (I love that show!) He's freakin me out!!! At first when he gave me my Ring I thought it was pretty and at the time Sauron was too, but that's not the point, and he ensnared me and my friends with the Nine Rings and that was not kewl, man!!!" Then, from behind Ed, there came a strange little man who stood about 4 ½ feet tall. He had an aura of a merry fellow. Bright blue was his jacket and his boots were yellow. His girdle was green and his breeches all of leather, and he wore in his tall hat a swan-wing feather. "Hi deedly di! I am Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo!! How are you doing today, Ed?" 

Ed, looking a little bewildered, answered, "Um, hi… How are you? What are you, for that matter!?!?" "Well, I don't know what I am," stated Tom, "But I am here to help you out! I am the head of this support group. All of the others are the following: Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee the hobbits, Gimli the Dwarf and Legolas the Elf. We must not forget Aragorn and Boromir the humans, as well as Smeagol/Gollum who we think used to be a hobbit but had the Ring for a while and he didn't age too gracefully. (GRAVITY, BABY!! J) By the way, he thinks I don't know he's here, he lapses back into the times when he was invisible and no one could see him. But even then I could spot the lil bugga! I'm not as blind as that yet! Today we have a new tactic especially for this class. It is The Twelve Step Plan to Correct the Problem at Hand." Right then he began reading aloud: 

Twelve Step Plan To Correct the Problem at Hand 

1. Admitting you have a problem. 

2. Seek help. 

3. Buy a chicken with a credit card. 

4. Buy food for the chicken with a credit card. 

5. Feed the chicken that you bought with the credit card the food for the chicken that you bought with the credit card. 

6. Buy a rooster with a credit card. 

7. Wait! This is the list for the support group for those with an unnatural fear of chickens and credit cards! 

8. All right, back to business 

9. Read the Twelve Step Program. 

10. Follow the Twelve Step Program. 

11. Avoid contact with the object and its owner/s. 

12. Oh, I guess I don't have a number twelve, Does there have to be a number twelve? Why can't it be an Eleven Step Program? Oh well **SiGh** 

"BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP ME AT ALL!!," Ed cried, "THAT WAS A TOTALLY USELESS WASTE OF PAPER!!! YOU COULD HAVE USED THAT PAPER FOR ANOTHER CAUSE!! SAVE THE TREES!!!" Treebeard then pops in with many other trees holding picket signs and causing quite a ruckus. Tom replied, "Oh well, I guess you'll just have to wait for the next chapter to pop up for some useful help. Stay tuned!!!" 


	2. Session 2~ The Prophecy

For today's gathering, Tom decided to hold the session outside. "We have a very special newcomer today," Tom said brightly. "I would like you all to give a very warm welcome the most recent member of our group: Mount Doom!!" (Who invited him???!!!) They all turned around to find a rather large volcano sputtering molten lava right behind them. Sam managed, "Well that's an eye-opener and no mistake!!" "And I would like you all to watch your step during the time Doom is with us," reminded Tom. "Now, Doom, why don't you tell us all why you are here." 

"Well," said Doom, "I am sick and tired of people throwing stuff in my mouth! Rings, fingers, ugly 6 hundred year old sorta hobbits, You name it!! The whole thing is getting way outta hand!" In which he started foaming at the mouth. "Watch out!" Cried Boromir. "He has a cave troll!! Oops, wrong line, he's gonna blowww!!!" 

The volcano didn't, however. "Now how do you feel about this whole business?" Inquired Tom. "Well,I feel taken advantage of...Violated, you might say.**sniff**sniff**," Doom sniffled. "Plus I feel isolated...Out there smack dab in the middle of Mordor! It's really scary! No one ever comes to visit me or anything except Sauron cuz I am his summer home! Ohmygawd!! I just realized that I have no friends! All except Sauron but he doesn't count cuz he is mean and verrry ugly (U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah you ugly)(At this point Doom starts to dance, which results in various minor earthquakes around the area). The only time he comes to visit me is when he want something: like taking take a hot lava bath with one of his orc-ladies… (Way too much information!) For someone that dark and sinister he sure gets around!" 

At this point Ed stepped in. "I know! I hate Sauron!! All he ever does is take advantage of people and give them those *beepin* rings! (Hee hee ******'s editing) He never does anything for himself! You never even see him in the book or the movie. He just sits up in his stupid Barad-Dur fortress and watches cable in the Palantir! Well, he would go on the Internet but there are no middle-of-Mordor dial up numbers. I keep telling him to get DSL or Comcast, but he just won't listen. Stubborn evil Maia!! C'mon Doom, I say we clean his clock!" From the background came noises that sounded like "We wants him, my PRECIOUSSSSSS..." 

"I am afraid I am going to have to interfere here," Tom stated. "Just because he is evil and a traitor and wants to take over the world doesn't mean he's that bad of a dude. Look at it this way: Sauron has to be evil because that is his job. Tolkien made him into a bad guy, so he has to act like one!" 

"But why does he have to be so mean to everyone?" Doom asked. "Oh, well that's just how he is! It's in his nature to be a bugger," Tom replied gently. "Great Scott! Do you realize we've spent half of this Fic just talking about Sauron! He's quite a conversation piece and we never even get to see him! **SiGh** I guess we are running outta room, eh *****?" (Yes Tom I am afraid that's it for now. You're gonna have to wait until the next chapter to finish this discussion. Sorry!) Tom sighed again, "Ay ay ay welcome to the One Ring support group, where problems never get solved no matter what...Well stay tuned!! Hey come derry dol ring a dong dillo..." 

(By the way, if you have any complaints with this story you can take them up with Sauron and e-mail him at thedarklordsauron@nastylilbuggers.net. He'll take care of ya!) (Literally!) 


	3. Sesson 3~ May It Be

"We will all need to move to the stage area today." Tom said. (We have a stage area??!!) Gimli's eyes brightened up "Are we gonna see a play? Are we gonna see a play??" "Why yes, Gimli, a very popular Broadway musical, Saruman and the Technicolor Dream Coat!!" Tom replied. They all skip over to the auditorium. When they arrive at the auditorium, everyone's jaw drops, as they are shocked to see Saruman dancing around on the stage. "What the hell is he doing here??" Asked the ever-skeptical Boromir. "Well, he will be interpreting his problems in his own way on stage for us today, and we should all be polite and watch," Replied Tom. (Man, has he got problems…) (Yeah they weren't kidding when they said he had issues) Saruman prances out and begins to sing- I have a coat 

Orcs- I have a coat 

Saruman- Of many colors 

Orcs- Oooh oooh 

Gandalf- Why does he get a coat of many colors? 

Orcs- Of many colors 

All the wizards are jealous and they throw Saruman in a pit, but then suddenly some gypsy balrogs come by. 

Gandalf- We are willing to trade this wizard here for some of those nifty goods of yours. 

Orcs- Those nifty goods oooh oooh! 

Balrogs- What would we do with him? 

Orcs- Do with him? Ooooh oooh 

Gandalf- Sell him as a slave or something, I don't know just give me some nifty goods! 

Orcs- Those nifty goods oooh oooh! 

Out of the audience Sam shouts, "Why don't you orcs shut-up and give Mr. Frodo some peace, you're really getting on his nerves!" 

Orcs- Why don't you shut-up OOOOH OOOH! 

Balrog- Ok, fine, fine, I meant no offense, it's my job to ask questions after nightfall. (This refers to Gandalf ignore comments between Sam and Orcs.) 

Orcs-ooooh ooh 

Gypsy Balrogs head off with Saruman in their gypsy cart. They sell him to the Nazgul. Saruman serves the Nazgul but is framed by some jealous Uruk-Hai for swimming in the hot tub at Mount Doom and lands in jail. In jail some orcs sing him a song to cheer him up. 

Orcs- Go, go, go, Sharkey you know what they say, Go, go, go, Sharkey you'll make it someday… (This play is starting to sound a little familiar…) 

It was discovered that Sharkey had special wizard powers and could be of great use to the Pharaoh. (Umm ok where do we go from here?) Pharaoh Sauron comes out dressed in disco suit and with some groovin Elvis hair. Sings some song we dare not utter here for it is in the language of Mordor. 

Pharaoh Sauron- If you join me you can have Orthanc, how about that? 

Saruman- Okie dokie! 

Orcs- Oooh oooh 

60 years later... in Isengard 

Orcs- In Isengard oooh oooh 

Gandalf- The ring must be destroyed! I must take care of the head of my order Saruman the umm not quite white anymore. 

Orcs- OOOOh OOOH! 

Legolas- Shut- up or eat elven arrows! 

Audience- Shoot 'em Shoot 'em! 

Orcs- OOOOOOOH OOOOOOOOH! (Since we cannot come up with an ending for this musical, enjoy the fight scene!) Prepare for the fight scene! 

Enraged audience rises up, Legolas whipping out arrows at the orcs as fast as he can shoot, (which is pretty fast, in case you haven't seen the movie)(I have!)(That's very nice, now shut up) and the great Battle of Stage's Deep is fought. Many were whacked by the horn of Gondor (horn of Gondor, eh? I always thought that sounded a little racy!)(Yes, indubitably) and flying pots and pans. (Quite mysteriously some sandbags were dropped onto Aragorn and other random fighters, hmm wonder who did that) 

In the end they all make up join hands and give out the grand finale OOOOOOOOOH OOOOH! 


End file.
